confessions on self bullying // questioning self worth // thoughts + rant

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent ~ Eleanor Roosevolt

Dare I say that just might be what everyone is trying to achieve. Right now.

There are a lot of things that come with self-worth, and one of those things in the process. The journey that takes from a seed to a flower in full bloom.

Don’t we all absolutely hate dislike feeling hopeless?? Doubtful?? Someone, please tell me WHY. They all say that honey, there are no good and bad emotions, and that’s true, but it’s hard to believe them, isn’t it?

Since self-bullying is actually way more common that we would have thought, I decided to do a post to raise awareness about it, talk about self-worth, and how we can combat that evil little $#$)^$#* inside us. We all need that, don’t we?

Let’s dive right in 🙂

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So what IS self-worth? Last time I asked Google, it was “another term for self-esteem”. Like that helps.

To me, self-worth is something precious; easily breakable but is more powerful than almost everything you possess because I’m creepy. Okay, so back to being the serious me *cue rolling eyes*, I feel like self-worth just might be one of the hardest things to achieve fully in life.

I believe – or I’d like to – that inside all of us is an um… ORB (because I’m out of ideas) of negativity that we sometimes pose to ourselves. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here are some ideas that any girl out there will be able to relate to.

  • You wanted to get a 90% on this test, but you got 87%. It’s still an A, but the number just doesn’t start with a 9!!
  • I wish I looked as pretty as her.
  • Everyone makes friends so easily and what about me.

And the list goes on and on and on…

One of the most prominent factors that take down self-worth is bullying. What we don’t realize, is the bully that torments our life just might be ourselves.

I’m really thankful that I haven’t experienced any type of real bullying in school, but that changes when that bully is me. To be honest, I have been a victim of myself for most of my life, and low self-esteem contributes WAY more than you could’ve imagined.

I was always the hard worker. Of course, procrastination and laziness occasionally kick in, but most of the time, I set high goals for myself. Sometimes, waayyyy to high. And what makes it all worse? I was born a perfectionist. So what happens then?

  • Stress level goes UP

No doubt that if I am setting unrealistically high goals for myself, that would induce a LOT of anxiety.

  • I start to kick myself internally

And then the negative thoughts are back. “Kimberly you’re so stupid” “Kimberly I hate you” “Of course you can’t do it” “Everyone’s better than you” “Shut up Kimberly”

  • End result: the cycle repeats all over again

Okay, so this is totally unexpected?? But yes, that’s true. Then I start to worry again, that “oh my dear word I won’t be able to do it omg omg omg” After that, “well, of COURSE, you can’t do it because you suck!!”

You get the main idea, don’t you?

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“So what can I do about it?”

Really, I’m still trying to figure it out, and settle that inner bully (for the past, what, 5-7 years??). Over the past year though, I have learned to lower my expectations (as in somewhere closer to a reasonable level), to accept the ‘real’ me, as well as a few strategies to battle it. Here’s just some that has helped me:

  • Acknowledge

As I *cough* always like to say, acknowledging is the first step to recovery, for many things, in fact. Start by acknowledging that “hey, I’m really pushing the line here with myself”, and that “okay, let’s try to change that”

  • Think THEORETICALLY

Let’s use an example: I wanted to get an 80% on a math test (yes math ain’t my forte kids). and I got a 76%, and as soon as I see the mark, “of course you got that mark Kimberly you suck” comes to mind. Hmm… let’s analyze the thought down, shall we?

 

Image result for analyze gif
I don’t like math and I’m using it as an example?? WHAT

 

  1. First off, I don’t like math. So if I don’t like math, then I wouldn’t spend the whole night studying, would I?
  2. I KNOW that math isn’t my forte. It IS NOT
  3. Okay so 80% is a B, right? Technically 76% is also a B??
  • Don’t wallow yourself in

I’m still going to use that example again… so I get back the test, and I am so upset (just happened mere few days ago). It’s really tempting to just sit there, and drown myself in that horrible feeling of disappointment and anger with myself. So stand up and do something you like! Go play the piano, read, doodle, write, talk with a trusted family member,  friend… or just get a drink of water. When we feel like a mess, it’s normal – and expected – that we wouldn’t be able to think clearly. Give your inner self some space and time.

  • DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP

Okay – this is so so so important. I’d like to think of our body as a pile of books, and the negativity that we give ourselves the motion of piling them up. If we just keep it all in – those feelings of not having worth, anxiety, and such – the ‘books’ will just keep on piling and piling up until ONE DAY. It falls down, and crashes.

Image result for books falling gif
I just couldn’t resist not putting this GIF up

If we keep on just piling our emotions up aka BOTTLING them up, once the crash happens, it’s equivalent to an emotional breakdown. To prevent that from happening, why not pile, let’s say, 3 books up, and then push the top one down? It still falls and thuds, but it’s way better in a kilometre (or mile if you prefer) than the big catastrophic crash, right? It’s basically our emotions; same idea. Let it out. VENT.

Okay do I make ANY sense right now??

I hope I do.

  • And finally, it’s OKAY to feel what you’re feeling

There is NO bad emotion; feeling sad, angry, disappointed isn’t bad at all. Emotions are there for a reason, and without the not-so-nice-to-us ones, how will we be able to experience true happiness? Joy? Gratitude?

We feel this way because we do. We’re humans, aren’t we?? (or the Potato Knight, according to my friends) There is NO perfect life. There is NO perfect person. It just isn’t possible. So referring back to point 1, acknowledge.

People say treat others like how you would want to treat yourself. But remember: treat yourself like how you would treat others too.


let's take flight, shall we

Whew! That took up a lot of brain energy. What are your thoughts/experiences with self-bullying? Your thoughts on self-worth? How do you cope with these types of feelings? Oh and yes, do you like math?? As in, enjoy doing those equations?? I am so off topic.

It’s hard to love ourselves isn’t it? But everyone (yes you too) is here for a reason, and the world just wouldn’t be right without you in it ❤

forever yours, kimberly

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