Hi friends, and happy Saturday 🙂 How are you all? Today’s post is going to be a smol bit different – I realized that I don’t talk about these things a lot here, and I feel like doing this will help me, and hopefully someone out there too. This isn’t my normal *cough* more interesting *cough* posts, but I have been thinking about this for a while. I hope that this isn’t going to be really boring, but hey, I tried my best 😅
So, let’s get this started
and dive right in, shall we?
There’s absolutely no doubt about it, and I’m not going to lie to myself or anyone. It’s all true. I am insecure. And I also happen to be an introvert that was assigned at birth. I know that being an introvert doesn’t mean that you are insecure – just putting it out there. Somehow though, it just happens to both happen to me (oops)
Ever since I was a young girl*, I always had set high expectations for myself. In this age, most of the time it’s the parent who has that, where the child isn’t, but in my case, it’s the opposite in a way. My family NEVER put any pressure on us, and always said that if we did try our best, then that’s already more than enough. They encouraged us to follow our dreams, and that we could be anything we wanted to be.
*I was going to say “young potato” but I guess no potato jokes today *cries*
I realize that I am an extremely lucky girl – a family who is so supportive and always there for me. So why do I set high expectations for myself, and why in the world does this have to do with insecurity and introverted-ness (oh I just made up another word), you ask?
My life before is literally derived from “Never Enough” from The Greatest Showman. No, I wasn’t selfish and all, like “I want this, I want that, why can’t I get this”. It’s more like… “why am I not good enough”… “why do I look this way”… “oh I look terrible today”.. and so on.
I used to think that I was shy, but now I know I’m not; instead, I’m an introvert at heart. I prefer to do things on my own. I delve into my thoughts and feel happy inside my own little world. I keep my emotions to myself. I am quiet, reserved…
I tend to think a lot – I started reflecting on the meaning of life when I was around 7 or 8. I wondered if there was an end to the universe and if there is and we were able to get there is it like a wall where we just bounce off it? *sends everyone into an existential crisis*
Because I literally became a sealed box, all of my emotions were trapped inside. I hesitated to talk about my fears, worries, anger… I knew that in my family we could put anything on the table. There was nothing we couldn’t talk about, and that we didn’t have to be afraid to express any emotions. We were, are, and will be so very close. So why was I afraid to put it out there?
I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of what people would think even though I already knew that most likely it’d be okay. So thus, I sealed myself up completely and became what I believed to be the “perfect” Kimberly. And when I did open up, I’d explode and hurt the people who I love most.
I was an insecure child. I always thought about what others would think of me. If I made a mistake would people laugh? An infinite number of “what if” questions floated around my head constantly, so I unconsciously lived in fear.
Grades. I pushed myself past my limit – spent too much time on homework, studying… My whole weekend was doing nothing but that. During break and lunch, most of the time I’d stay inside the classroom, doing homework. I didn’t know that it was too over.
It took me 10 years to figure that out.
Clothing. I had thought that long hair, makeup, and “popular” defines happiness. If I had long hair, I’d be beautiful. If I put on makeup, I’d be pretty. If I were popular, I’d be happy. For a while, I even wore clothes bought clothes that were “in” instead of keeping to my own casual simple style.
Gymnastics and dance. Years and years ago, I did a winter gymnastics camp for two weeks, and I had so much fun. Around that time, I also did jazz for a year, and had a year-end performance (I am sure I was as freaked out as I did for the fashion show). Why didn’t I continue? I was afraid that if I made a mistake, people would laugh, judge, say I’m bad at it.
There were so many other things that also controlled my life – I didn’t live my life to the fullest, and moments of joy would be covered up with a negative thought consciously or not.
I’m learning how to live life and enjoy it. I know that I am an introvert, and and I tend to keep things to myself, but I don’t want to let it overwhelm me and take the fun out of everything.
I’m now trying to change my mindset about education. I once thought that “success” means straight A’s, getting into a good university, get a degree, become a doctor/lawyer/engineer – basically the traditional values. I have to admit, I’m still like that sometimes, especially when I am unhappy with an assignment/test result, grades, I put myself down. Though, I am now more willing to actually listen to my parents and realize that education does not just restrict to life.
- You can learn at any age.
- Education doesn’t all have to be in school, and just be school subjects. Salary doesn’t define our happiness, nor does grades.
- Find what we love, and strive for it.
- Don’t go to university just for the sake of going or getting a degree.
My family is the exact opposite of traditional values – I don’t know where I got that mindset from *sighs* But I am sick of putting myself down. It’s really hard – changing my mindset – but again, I am willing to try 🙂
Now, clothing doesn’t bother me. First of all, no one really looks or care at what I wear. I don’t like anything fancy – I’m always in a grey/white t-shirt and leggings or shorts. Our own styles are unique and we look the best when we feel the best. I don’t want to let others influence my looks – I want to be me.
Oh dear gymnastics… ah yes – years after, I picked it up again last year, and it’s been amazing. Like the clothing I wear, other people won’t care if I make a mistake, fall down… I should just do what I enjoy. I love this sport and I WILL keep on doing it.
Remember when I said that I was afraid of what other people would think of me? I now realize that those “other people” are me. I was afraid of so many things because I kept on putting myself down.
No. I don’t want it to tie me down anymore.
I want to be free, be able to breathe and enjoy my life. I want to find my passion and work toward my career. I want to be a compassionate and an actually nice person who means it. I want to be willing to accept mistakes and move on. I want to be able to stand back up again after I fall.
I want to learn to love myself again.
are you an introvert? thoughts on insecurity? are you also an insecure introvert like me? how do you feel about self-shame? thoughts about the “traditional values”? name 3 things you love most about yourself down below in the comments ❤